Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Right Now

I'm loving cooking for my little ladies. Not everything is a hit but mostly they've been giving some pretty good feedback. I used to cook a lot, don't really know why I stopped... I do recognize that my life has gone through a lot of upheavals, big changes since my husband and I split, nearly two years ago, now. Don't "they" say not to make any big changes for like, a year or so after major loss? I'm beginning to think I should have listened to "them". That perhaps my plate is too full and maybe I'm just a little bit lost right now. That wouldn't it be really nice to have a crystal ball that I could look into and get some answers... some direction, some light at the end of the tunnel.
I know I have been tense, and overwhelmed and so very frustrated. And I'm beginning to feel as though I'm doing it all wrong and not really doing anything too well. Do you ever feel that way? Like you're dropping the ball and fucking everything up? And everyone is standing there watching you drop it and judging the hell out of you. At least, in my case, many are standing and watching and judging... good ole' family. Oh, and will someone please clue me in on when it gets easier? I mean, sure, I don't feel like my heart is being ripped out and smashed to bits anymore... but, my god, it sucks so bad sometimes. Last night my husband (yes, still technically my husband, but no, not for any particular reason. I guess I just haven' t felt the need to really move on and maybe that's my problem.) spent the evening here with the girls and put them to bed. Kaiya cried so hard, not wanting him to leave. Where the hell did that come from? It's been nearly two years but they so often ask me, why can't Daddy live with us? I wish Daddy could see us every day. And, I still don't know how to respond to that.
It breaks my heart and, I will admit it, I am beginning to get lonely. Changes... haven't helped me to move on. They've just left me confused and overwhelmed. And my point was, I've lost parts of me along the way. Some days I feel like I'm a truer me than I've ever been before but I think perhaps that doesn't go so deep...
And I really don't think I have anymore to say about that right now. Just needed to get it all out. If you made it to the end of this post, thanks for listening.