This Cosy Life: Right Now

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Right Now

I'm loving cooking for my little ladies. Not everything is a hit but mostly they've been giving some pretty good feedback. I used to cook a lot, don't really know why I stopped... I do recognize that my life has gone through a lot of upheavals, big changes since my husband and I split, nearly two years ago, now. Don't "they" say not to make any big changes for like, a year or so after major loss? I'm beginning to think I should have listened to "them". That perhaps my plate is too full and maybe I'm just a little bit lost right now. That wouldn't it be really nice to have a crystal ball that I could look into and get some answers... some direction, some light at the end of the tunnel.
I know I have been tense, and overwhelmed and so very frustrated. And I'm beginning to feel as though I'm doing it all wrong and not really doing anything too well. Do you ever feel that way? Like you're dropping the ball and fucking everything up? And everyone is standing there watching you drop it and judging the hell out of you. At least, in my case, many are standing and watching and judging... good ole' family. Oh, and will someone please clue me in on when it gets easier? I mean, sure, I don't feel like my heart is being ripped out and smashed to bits anymore... but, my god, it sucks so bad sometimes. Last night my husband (yes, still technically my husband, but no, not for any particular reason. I guess I just haven' t felt the need to really move on and maybe that's my problem.) spent the evening here with the girls and put them to bed. Kaiya cried so hard, not wanting him to leave. Where the hell did that come from? It's been nearly two years but they so often ask me, why can't Daddy live with us? I wish Daddy could see us every day. And, I still don't know how to respond to that.
It breaks my heart and, I will admit it, I am beginning to get lonely. Changes... haven't helped me to move on. They've just left me confused and overwhelmed. And my point was, I've lost parts of me along the way. Some days I feel like I'm a truer me than I've ever been before but I think perhaps that doesn't go so deep...
And I really don't think I have anymore to say about that right now. Just needed to get it all out. If you made it to the end of this post, thanks for listening.

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eidolons · 714 weeks ago

I wish I had some advice or a magic answer. I don't. But I do have hugs. Lots and lots of internet hugs - and they're all yours today.

2 replies · active 714 weeks ago

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thiscosylife 81p · 714 weeks ago

Thank you, Melissa, they mean more than you know.

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thiscosylife 81p · 713 weeks ago

Melissa, thank you. They mean more than you know!

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Ximena · 714 weeks ago

I send you much love and peace in every time you feel it. Encouragement for you and your beautiful little girls.

Warm regards from Chile.

1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago

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thiscosylife 81p · 713 weeks ago

♥ Thank you so much for that.

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Nahuatl Vargas · 714 weeks ago

I do, I do feel that way, more that once. I have so many thing I will like to said to you, even when I'm not a constant reader here. I don't think it all gets better and happy ending, I think that when there is a brake up like this (I mean in adulthood, with kids), women don't fully recover and men have it easier. And there is the kids, for whom we have to it so well, but then we get this feeling of one person not being enough for that. I think the way it gets better little by little is valuing yourself and every little thing you do, from breakfast to reading stories, from laundry to wake up. I know how hard is to feel lonely and misunderstood, and worse, judge, I recently move to my family's (but not mine) country and everybody is so different and judgemental, starting from family. I think a way to feel better is to try to connect with those you feel will understand you, even if it's by internet, and then talk and talk and write and write and connect.
So, I'm here if is of use.
Hope soon you'll feel better.

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thiscosylife 81p · 713 weeks ago

Your words mean so much to me! And I really agree with what you said, I think men do have an easier time. And you are spot on about valuing myself. I get so swept up in the criticism of my family and am beginning to doubt myself and feel badly, like all of the awful things they say about me are true, though, I know they're not. But when everyone is coming down on you it's hard to remember what's truth.
I so value the connections that come from the blogging community, women like you that truly embrace one another. It means so very much to me. ♥

Oh, btw, I saw your comment on my giveaway post. I would love to host a giveaway for you one Monday. You can contact me through my email thiscosylife@yahoo.com

Julie

This Cosy Life

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Huggermugger · 714 weeks ago

From what I can tell from my s-i-l who divorced about the same time you did, getting a boyfriend doesn't necessarily make things easier, so don't beat yourself up about being single! Once you are more at ease with yourself and your situation, then start thinking about adding another person into the mix. If you're feeling stretched too thin, pull back on a thing or two -- maybe postpone some big project or say 'no' once in a while when someone asks you for a favor. I know you were considering not doing a full garden this year, and to me, that sounded wise. You've got a lot on your plate right now, with the girls, your business, your animals... heck, I'm not half as busy as you are, and I'm not a single parent. I honestly don't know how you do it, and I would totally support you in any endeavor to simplify your life right now. If there's anything I can do, please let me know. Maybe next month if I get to visit, we can even have coffee just the two of us if you need a not-always-around ear to listen to you get stuff off your chest. Otherwise, I know my dad has counseled a lot of people going through and recovering from divorces -- want me to ask if he has any books he would recommend for you? Shoot me an email if you do, as I'll completely forget to look here again.

Meanwhile, there's an early birthday present heading your way, since I am trying to get things out of my house that I don't really need to move. Hope it brightens up your day whenever it arrives!

I love you.

2 replies · active 713 weeks ago

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thiscosylife 81p · 713 weeks ago

Rachel,
I did take my mom's advice about the garden, it really was too much, and as it is, I always feel so dreadfully behind, anyway. I am looking for more areas to cut so I am not stretched so very thin.
Coffee just us sounds really wonderful! You have always been such an impartial, objective eye and I really need that right now
Oh, and I just got your package today. Thank you! It really did brighten my day and made the girls so happy to get a few things in the mail, too. Can't wait to see you in August (hopefully) and congrats on the house!!

This Cosy Life

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Huggermugger · 713 weeks ago

Lol, impartial and objective, that's me! Unless you ask Larry, he'd say I'm... whimsical and passionate about the oddest things. But sensible, I'm generally sensible. Anyway, if I get there next month, we will totally do coffee. Or just have you and the girls over at my folks' and we can sit & talk while the kids romp -- whatever works for you!

I'm so glad your girls liked the books! I've gradually gotten all 4 of the fairy books for Mercy, they were the first books she really connected with. And we got the other one from the library a couple weeks ago and it made me think of you every time I read it, especially the page where they're knitting directly from the sheep :-)

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Marian · 714 weeks ago

I too wish that I had a magic make-all-better answer, but I don't. Sending lots of positive thoughts and energy your way! And remember, it's okay to give yourself the time you need to get where you want to be...and it's nobody's business how long it takes. Trust yourself!

1 reply · active 714 weeks ago

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thiscosylife 81p · 714 weeks ago

Thank you, Marian!

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Stacey · 714 weeks ago

Again, I haven't any real answer, but I just wanted you to know that I heard you. I think it's like most monumental times in our lives, you will find a way through it, you just need time, how ever much. Life is constantly changing, challenging, loving, making us doubt ourselves, giving us hope...

1 reply · active 714 weeks ago

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thiscosylife 81p · 714 weeks ago

Being heard means so much. Thank you!

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Andrea · 714 weeks ago

Hi there,
I have stumbled upon your blog via another kindred spirit of ours.
I have read your bio and it shows you to be an amazing person. After reading this post, my heart and soul are reaching out to yours.
I'm sending you peace and love now, and a gentle reminder that although there are often questions that may go unanswered at certain times, I don't think it hurts to ask. I too, am not religious at all, but spiritual in that I believe that the universe is worthy of our praise and holds answers to most of our prayers.
May you find an answer, whether it be a feeling, a dream, an intuitive knowing to bring you solace and show you that you are right where you are meant to be :)
If I could, as well recommend to you: Gary Zukav's writing...The Seat of The Soul, The Heart of The Soul...awesome works :)
Also: The song "Solace" by Xavier Rudd (or any of his stuff )
May the peace of a gentle summer breeze rustling through the trees be with you.
Love, Andrea

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thiscosylife 81p · 713 weeks ago

Andrea, your words mean so much and touch me so. Thank you for reaching back to me. I've spent the afternoon listening to Xavier Rudd. I love him! beautiful and touching.. really speaks to me. I will also check out those books, I think my mom has them on her shelves.
Thank you again, truly. ♥

Julie
This Cosy Life

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Andrea · 714 weeks ago

p.s. If you decide to check out Xavier Rudd's music...go to "Light the shade" and "Things meant to be"...just happened to listen to them after my post to you and I hope they help to soothe your soul.
Andrea

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Melanie · 713 weeks ago

Oh Julie, I had missed this post. I don't know what to say except that I'm sending you love and peace and hugs. I think you're pretty fabulous.
<3

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thiscosylife 81p · 713 weeks ago

Thank you, Melanie! ♥

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Andrea · 713 weeks ago

I'm glad I found you and your blog, dear kindred spirit/soul sister!
I hope today is bringing you peace...and yes, Mr. Rudd is wonderful. If you ever have the chance to see him live - "you go girl" - it's an absolute soul-thirst quenching experience.