Monday, August 23, 2010

On (Not) Halting Production

When feeling down (sad, angry, depressed...) the tendency is to hide myself away, feeling sorry and miserable for myself, abandoning hobbies, things that make me joyful and all productivity (except the crazed house cleaning when I'm brimming over with anger and just don't know what else to do with it). Not healthy and as I said before, just not helpful either.
I cannot make things, people, the world always go as I want them to. Shit happens and hearts get broken... it's inevitable. That does not, however, entitle me to curl up and die (that is, speaking figuratively, of course. No need for alarm.) Let's just be real here, divorce happens every day. It hurts like hell but at this moment there are so many women just like me going through the exact same thing. My inability to move the fuck on is is no way unique. Does that make my loss and pain any less real and acute? Of course not. But for every one of the women where I am right now is another woman who pulled it together, at last, and has found peace and perhaps, if I dare say... happiness.
This is not the end. I don't want to be here (in this) but I don't really have much control over that, now do I? But the one thing we always have some say in, no matter what occurs, is our reaction. I can shut myself off and curl up and die, which is in no way useful to either me or my three children, or I can get up and keep going. How in the world can I expect to move through something if I'm sitting here in the floor having a pity party for myself? And what does that teach my girls?
Sadness, in a situation like this, is an entirely appropriate response. But I will not let it define me. This is me getting up and continuing on my journey through this. I will not linger, I will not cease.
I actually already have some ideas on which direction to go. This does have to be the 'be all, end all' defining moment in my life. I want to do some charity knitting. If you do or have any excellent resources for me, please do share. Also, if you are involved in any other kind of charity work I would love to hear about it. And I have this project that involves you, yes, you and I'm so very excited to get started on it. More on that later.
Bear with me, please. Lots more ugly feeling to come, I'm sure. Just please remind me not to dwell on them. Release and let go.....


Rachel Kovaciny said...

Charity knitting? Like, hats for the homeless? Or selling things to benefit charities? I'm intrigued. Hey, what about the pregnancy center in T-ville? Maybe they'd like baby hats to give to expectant moms? My dad's on the board -- i could ask him who you should contact. If you're interested, drop me an email or FB message, as I never remember to check back for answers to my blog comments.

And I'm glad you're not throwing in the towel. Hugs!

Alisa Noble said...

Good for you, Julie!!!
This is the best possible attitude you can have. And it's this attitude that will pull you through this. Believe me!
Big hugs to you!

Kitten's Lost Her Mittens said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I went through a divorce a few years ago. It must be especially hard on you with kids. I like the positive attitude I see in your writing - I know it's tough, but you'll get there!

littleworm said...

I dont have an idea for a charity to send you too. I just wanted to say hang in there. Your right, your not alone. But that doesnt make it suck any less. I hope that you start healing and have the wonderful life you deserve. :)

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