When feeling down (sad, angry, depressed...) the tendency is to hide myself away, feeling sorry and miserable for myself, abandoning hobbies, things that make me joyful and all productivity (except the crazed house cleaning when I'm brimming over with anger and just don't know what else to do with it). Not healthy and
as I said before, just not helpful either.
I cannot make things, people, the world always go as I want them to. Shit happens and hearts get broken... it's inevitable. That does not, however, entitle me to curl up and die (that is, speaking figuratively, of course. No need for alarm.) Let's just be real here, divorce happens every day. It hurts like hell but at this moment there are so many women just like me going through the exact same thing. My inability to move the fuck on is is no way unique. Does that make my loss and pain any less real and acute? Of course not. But for every one of the women where I am right now is another woman who pulled it together, at last, and has found peace and perhaps, if I dare say... happiness.
This is not the end. I don't want to be here (in this) but I don't really have much control over that, now do I? But the one thing we always have some say in, no matter what occurs, is our reaction. I can shut myself off and curl up and die, which is in no way useful to either me or my three children, or I can get up and keep going. How in the world can I expect to move
through something if I'm sitting here in the floor having a pity party for myself? And what does that teach my girls?
Sadness, in a situation like this, is an entirely appropriate response. But I will not let it define me. This is me getting up and continuing on my journey through this. I will not linger, I will not cease.
I actually already have some ideas on which direction to go. This does have to be the 'be all, end all' defining moment in my life. I want to do some charity knitting. If you do or have any excellent resources for me, please do share. Also, if you are involved in any other kind of charity work I would love to hear about it. And I have this project that involves you,
yes, you and I'm so very excited to get started on it. More on that later.
Bear with me, please. Lots more ugly feeling to come, I'm sure. Just please remind me not to dwell on them. Release and let go.....
My latest hat. As soon as Zoe saw it on River she exclaimed "It's a kitten hat!". Thus the kitten was born.
I'm well this week. Keeping very busy, working hard to get ready for the event next month I'm attending. I really do enjoy showing and selling my work in person. It's quite gratifying to hear immediate feedback.
Days come that seem so overwhelming. And I need just a few minutes to pull it back together, breathe in, breathe out.
Here's where I can still myself. Slow down and be quiet.
This helps. It really does. I take five minutes outside, capturing the world around me. Five minutes, or until my heart beat begins to slow, my hands grow steady and I'm not so angry anymore.
Until I feel like I can go back in and speak calmly and be the mama my girls need me to be.
When feeling down (sad, angry, depressed...) the tendency is to hide myself away, feeling sorry and miserable for myself, abandoning hobbies, things that make me joyful and all productivity (except the crazed house cleaning when I'm brimming over with anger and just don't know what else to do with it). Not healthy and as I said before, just not helpful either.
A little color to brighten your day. And mine. I'm working on lots of these for an upcoming event I'll have a booth at, but perhaps I should just hang them around meantime.
That's right, there has been some knitting going on around here... at last! Made this one for the older girls, it fits 1-3 years. I'm going to (eventually) get started on the pattern and it will be for ages 3-12 months and 1-3 years. I've got several orders on the needles at the moment, so I'm not sure just when it will be coming out.
Spring Rainbow-Feltmaking Mix
Zoe didn't care for this room too much. I think while her ears heard 'they're not alive' her eyes just couldn't get on board with that.
And the catfish, 'with whiskers'.
And Zoe's personal favorite, the turtles.
After ripping it out and ripping it I finally got it right. Remember this yarn? I started it a few days ago when the girls and I were having our pretend autumn day. This I dig. I worked the top in short rows, giving the back some taper around the neck. Perfect. and fits about 3-12 months. I'm going to work up the pattern and may or may not include larger sizes, we'll see.
My poor baby in her pretend cold weather gear. She was happy to oblige, though.
The rain pours down hard and the thunder cracks so loudly it's shaking the light fixture.
But my babies sleep right on through.
Zoe, on the other hand, latched on before the placenta was even out. I breastfed them both for the next two and a half years. In the beginning they nursed together and later on began taking turns til Kaiya was down to only nursing upon waking in the mornings and in times of stress. At two Zoe nursed just as frequently as an infant. Exhausting, to say the least. But that only lasted til my milk dried completely up about four months into my third pregnancy, and they both gave up the boob for good.
Enter River. My third and last breastfeeding babe. She has nursed easily since day one. I had wondered if the other girls, especially Zoe, would ask to nurse once the milk returned, but they didn't. I was grateful and a little sad about that, too. The five month break from breasting during my pregnancy was nice. I enjoyed being able to wear whatever I wanted and just the freedom to sit alone. But when River came and I put her to my breast for the first time I didn't once miss that "freedom". To be all my baby needs is the greatest feeling in the world.
Breastfeeding is about so much more than filling a belly. It bonds and soothes (on both sides) like no other. And it provides the very best start we can possibly give our children.
Yes, the leaves are falling already, or in the case of this one, hanging suspended by a spider's web. Only the big maple in the middle of our yard/deck (deck being built around the tree). My dad thinks it's due to the work of a woodpecker that pecked away at the trunk, leaving a hole that been draining the last couple of months. The insects loved that.
And now my girls are loving it. We went out there before lunch today and had a pretend day of autumn. Building up piles of leaves and jumping in them. And the temp was cool enough not to break the fantasy.
Is it awful of me to be so over summer already? I'm really not a hot weather gal. Not much longer, though. And this will be real.
